Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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