I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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