i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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