Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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