yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
