oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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