I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize