Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
