i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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