a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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