Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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