the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
