got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
