dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
