Texts From Last Night

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  (425): View more from Washington

  Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  I hate you

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  (425): Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs? (1-425): I hate you http://tfl.nu/19l9
  Replies (14) Good night (4092) Bad night (604)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

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  (330): She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning. http://tfl.nu/zuj3
  Replies (61) Good night (2294) Bad night (4531)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.

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  (586): sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey. http://tfl.nu/7b75
  Replies (15) Good night (3699) Bad night (719)
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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  (971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully" http://tfl.nu/lw3x
  Replies (12) Good night (10841) Bad night (1087)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again

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  (912): then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again http://tfl.nu/50xv
  Replies (28) Good night (1099) Bad night (4980)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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  (303): We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen. http://tfl.nu/slj5
  Replies (22) Good night (7250) Bad night (1068)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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  (757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb
  Replies (16) Good night (10022) Bad night (1268)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.

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  (928): I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on. http://tfl.nu/43cf
  Replies (5) Good night (1466) Bad night (620)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.

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  (405): In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday. http://tfl.nu/wcjj
  Replies (6) Good night (638) Bad night (1535)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

  (503): View more from Oregon

  ... That's a shower caddy.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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  (541): You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever! (503): ... That's a shower caddy. (541): I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation. http://tfl.nu/svbx
  Replies (11) Good night (3474) Bad night (825)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale

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  (978): It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale http://tfl.nu/xdvd
  Replies (8) Good night (1950) Bad night (476)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.

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  (513): Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me. http://tfl.nu/sfml
  Replies (2) Good night (1181) Bad night (431)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.

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  (512): For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina. http://tfl.nu/nkmi
  Replies (5) Good night (1206) Bad night (375)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that

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  (306): well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that http://tfl.nu/qqt3
  Replies (4) Good night (404) Bad night (773)
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  (530): View more from California

  So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"

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  (530): So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate" http://tfl.nu/9pbz
  Replies (1) Good night (390) Bad night (168)

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