there's paper in my vomit.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
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You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
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I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.