I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense