i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
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She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?