I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
