if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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