I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
