dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
