she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
