You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
