I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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