im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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