I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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