My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize