margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
