The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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