Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
