Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
