I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
