Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have already put on my inside pants.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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