I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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