dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
