At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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