dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
