i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
