Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
