I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
