I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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