If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
