just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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