Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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