He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
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there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
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Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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