So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
