If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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