Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
