sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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