Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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