hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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