we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
