DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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