May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
