You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
