All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
