I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
